These Ties That Bind
by Lunatastic
Summary: Lily Evans is the happy, no nonsense Head Girl that everyone looks to when their lives are crazy. Everything in Lily's life is just peachy. On the outside. Turns out that our Lily's got a few secrets to hide, especially from one blasphemous James Potter. A James/Lily tale, if they can both grow up a little.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**** I just wanted to wish you happy reading guys! Thanks for checking this out!**

**~Lunatastic**

* * *

"_No_. No, no, no, no, no, NO! This isn't happening. This. Is. Not. Happening!" I spoke with panicked, clipped phrases and I was positive that my sanity was slipping from the fingers that were currently buried in my hair, threatening to tear each and every strand out by the roots. I threw my hands up in exclamation, then whipped around to glare at the source of the uproarious laughter that began to echo off the walls of my dorm in the Head's appartments. "HOW IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING RIGHT NOW!?" I'm pretty sure that my hair was standing straight up because of the pure rage that ran through my body.

My best friend at Hogwarts, Alice Longbottom, was currently lying on the floor while started to choke incoherently, obviously attempting to form words. When she was finally understandable, the words she spoke just wanted to make me throttle her even more that I already did. "Y-you... are in love... with... JAMES POTTER!" She had taken deep breaths in between the words, then started laughing again, clutching her stomach with one hand and wiping away the tears that were streaming down her face with the other. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She said with a quavering voice, finally managing to hold back her laughter. Barely.

I threw myself on my four-poster, burying my head in my pillow. "I don't know what to do." I moaned, the words coming out muffled.

"You should tell him. We already know that he _lurves_ you" She poked fun at me and I could practically hear her lungs quiver as they struggled with holding back excited screeches.

Her words made me shoot up from my spread-eagled position on the bed. "ARE YOU INSANE?!" Actually, It seemed that I was the insane one, since I had feelings towards the biggest, most egotistical self-involved prat at Hogwarts! "If I told him that I... loved him," The words came out of my mouth tasting bitter and I wanted to wash my mouth out with soap. "James' egotistical head would make him float into the air after it swelled up with idiocy! Besides, I don't. Love him, I mean." I gesticulated wildly to try to convey how positively awful it would be if he even caught a damn wisp of our conversation. I could tell that I looked like an enraged bull as my nostrils flared. Force of habit I guess.

"I think it's cute." She said with the annoying sugary voice that a person would use to talk to babies or dogs. Or possibly James, if you were an annoying whore. There were a lot of those at Hogwarts. I chucked a pillow at her head which, of course, she dodged, chuckling with amusement.

"You," I said, pointing. "are infuriating."

"Apparently I'm not as "infuriating" as James Potter." I pinched the bridge of my nose. "What are you doing?" She asked with confusion.

"Counting to 100 in my head."

"Why?"

"So I don't have to be put away in Azkaban for using the killing curse on you." This just made her laughter start up again and I stormed out of the room, coming dangerously close to hexing the life out of her.

* * *

"Good afternoon Evans. How are you on this positively fine day?" James Potter slid into the seat next to me, acting quite chipper. I was in no mood to talk to him over lunch today. I usually just acted like I wasn't, but today it was no ruse.

"It's raining outside. It's not a "fine day"." I said flatly, using my fingers to make quotation marks in the air, then continued to push my sausage around on my plate.

"Well, I guess it is. The rain can be romantic you know. I've heard kissing in the rain is very enjoyable. We should try it sometime." He said suggestively, eyebrows raised. Alice shot me a knowing look over her Daily prophet as James finished speaking. I glared at him for a few moments, attempting to scare some semblance of sense into him, but looked away after his over-confident smile started to make me dizzy. I gripped my utensils with my fists, trying to stop the flow of thoughts that kept telling me to stab him in the leg. My spine stiffened as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "We're having an early practice today. You should come and watch us play." He whispered in my ear, his warm breath against my face sent thrills through my body. Before I could climb on his lap and start snogging the hell out of him, I shoved my chair away from the table, straightened my uniform and refused him, saying that I had homework to do.

I walked away from my unfinished plate and started the path towards the Heads' common room. _You are so screwed, Lily Evans. How could you be in love with James Potter, for Merlin's sake! No, you are not in love with him. Alice is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! You absolutely DESPISE James Potter! You can't begin to like him now, not after you've built up a tolerance to his inexplicably annoying self! How_- My mind babble was cut off by a voice calling my name while I was stamping up the moving staircases. I turned around, but then caught sight of the boy hurrying towards me.

"Evans! Could you slow down for one second?!" I huffed in anger and just began to walk faster. Unfortunately, I was stopped when a hand caught my wrist. After a few tries of trying to yank it free, I gave up and turned around.

"I suggest that you let go of me, James, before I hex you all the way to the Hospital Wing." I said scathingly.

"Not unless you promise to come and watch the team practice." He smiled and his eyes twinkled with confidence.

"I told you, I have homework to do! You probably do too!"

"Just McGonagall, and she won't mind if I tell her that we're doing it to win the cup this year."

"I somehow doubt that is even in the realm of possibility." He just shrugged, not caring at all. "If I say yes will you leave me alone?!"

"For a while, maybe."

I glared, but then caved after about half a second. "Fine, what time does it start?" He let my hand go and I crossed my arms.

"Seven o' clock sharp." He said, then turned on his heel and walked away while I gaped like a fish out of water.

"You said it was going to be an early practice!" I hollered at him, but I was answered with his admittingly attractive laugh. _Stupid, stupid, S-T-U-P-I-D_! I banged a fist against my head repeatedly until I was able to throw myself onto my four-poster and groan my frustration into my pillow.

* * *

I muttered angrily to myself and kept throwing peevish glances out the window, cursing the heavens for making it rain today. I was getting ready to go watch the quidditch team practice. "You just had to agree, didn't you Lily. You and your stupid infatuation with him. Why couldn't you have picked a boy that was less annoying, idiotic, handsome..." I stopped talking quietly to myself as my mind drifted to far off places. I remembered his twinkling eyes when he talked to me, the way his crooked smile sometimes made my heart beat faster. I shook my head angrily, jarring the inane thoughts from my head. I threw on a waterproof cloak, continuing to curse the skies.

"Have fun. I want all of the deets when you get back." Alice always hung out with me in my Heads' dorm; she couldn't stand most of the girls that ranked in the "Under Average Intelligence" category. She looked up as she pondered something for a moment, placing a finger on her chin. I sighed and braced myself for a suggestive comment when I saw the look on her face."I wonder if he's a good snogger?" She said aloofly.

So, apparently, even if I prepared myself I couldn't take my best friend's utter lack of a filter. "ALICE!" I exclaimed while she giggled giddily. Sometimes my best friend could be such a nuisance.

"It's a valid question!" I slapped my palm to my forehead at her obliviousness to my annoyance. She was probably ignoring it on purpose.

"Why am I even friends with you?" I sighed.

"Because you love my annoying arse."

"Positively the most annoying arse in the history of the world!" I corrected jokingly, my mood improving. "You could come with me you know, I need the warmth." I said hopefully, thinking that maybe she could be a buffer to James' impending uncomfortable comments. Unfortunately, she decided to take that hope and grind it into dust. Then she stomped on the dust of it just to make sure that the hope was dead.

She wrinkled her nose in distaste. "No, I'm definitely fine right here. I do not like getting wet. Besides, I just happen to have a study date with Frank." Her expression turned wistful and I laughed.

"I'm betting five galleons that you'll be snogging within the first five minutes behind the restricted section in the library."

She gasped and put a hand to her chest to feign anger. "How dare you?! We'll be snogging within the first TWO minutes, thank you very much!" She could only keep her nose upturned for a few more moments before we both burst out laughing. You could only be mad at a best friend for so long. I then saw the time.

"I have to go. Have fun with Frank!" I hollered as I sprinted out of the dorm. I heard a faint "Oh, I will!" Before I made it down the stairs and out of the portrait hole, unable to keep a smile from curling onto my face as I hurried towards the practice field. _You really are insane Lily. _When I finally arrived, the team was already up in the air, throwing a quaffle around to warm up their arms. I rubbed my arms for warmth as I walked up and sat in the stands. Most of the people on the team waved at me, but I could see the confusion on their faces that was probably caused by me out here in the pouring rain. I couldn't really come up with a good explanation.

I watched for a little while, but became bored and sleepy while they ran drills. I was about to drift off, but I heard worried shouts reach me through the rain. My heart leapt out of my chest when I saw the innate form lying spread-eagled on the ground. My heart pounded even faster when I realized that it was James. I practically flew out of the stands towards him. The others on the team were just beginning to dismount when I reached him.

"Oh my Merlin! James, _James_! Please open your eyes, please!" I begged, worry overrunning almost any coherent thought.

"I wasn't aiming for him I swear! I don't know what happened! I didn't even see the bludger hit him!" I heard a distraught fifth year beater babbling in the background.

"James, you gigantic, stupid, egotistical prat, look at me!" I shouted at him while a mixture of tears and rain streamed down my face. His eyes flew open and he sat up quickly. I barely had time to say, "Wha-" before his lips were on mine. Electricity and confusion coursed through my body and I kissed him back, my body betraying my emotions. He broke off the kiss to look at me with love and adoration in his eyes.

I sat on his lap, dazed and confused. My thoughts were muddied for a few more moments before I could think clearly again. I gasped as I realized something. "You purposely took that bludger! You thought that would make me freak out!" I shoved off of him and stood up, brushing myself off.

He quickly followed me. "Lily, wait. I know that you feel something for me, because you did freak out. I knew you cared." I turned around to face him. The cocky expression on his face dissaparated when he saw the rage thrumming from my body.

"So you decided that it was a good idea to injure yourself, scare me out of my mind, making me think that you were dead, just so you could get me to admit the feelings that I _might_ or might _not_ have for you." I spoke in a deathly calm voice. I could see everyone backing away out of the corner of my eyes, heading slowly towards the changing rooms. Some looked like they wanted to stay to make sure I wasn't going to kill James, but I gave them a look that made them leave. Quickly. Then I turned back to James.

He held his hands up in surrender while he spoke. "Listen, Lily, I didn't mean to give you a heart attack. I was just trying to... well-"

I lost all of what little grip that I had left. "TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED, THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO! YOU WERE, WHAT, THIRTY YARDS UP IN THE AIR BEFORE YOU FELL OFF OF YOUR BROOM?! I'M SUPRISED THAT YOU'RE EVEN ABLE TO STAND RIGHT NOW!" I could feel myself shaking with the irrational rage that coursed through my body. I heard him mutter under his breath. "What did you say?" My voice was back to its creepily calm state again.

He cleared his throat nervously. "I might have, sort of, placed a shield charm on myself earlier. I looked it up."

"SO YOU'VE BEEN PLANNING THIS?!" And there was the crazy shrieking voice again. It just sort of sneaks up on you, doesn't it?

"Well, maybe. But Lily, you wouldn't have been so freaked if you didn't have feeling for me. You kissed me back, remember?"

For just a split second, I was flabbergasted. It was true. But then I thought of the logical explanation. "I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE DEAD! OF COURSE I KISSED YOU BACK! ANY GIRL WITH A HEART WOULD HAVE!" Man, my throat was going to be raw later. I stormed off before he could say anything else. He didn't follow me, which was a good thing in that moment because I would have, beyond doubt, hexed his balls off.

* * *

By the time I arrived back to my common room I looked like a drowned rat. I squelched into the room, thankful that Alice was not there to bother me. I loved the girl but I could already imagine the jokes she would be making about the whole blasted situation. I panicked when I heard a door open and close. I began to half sprint to my room, praying that I wouldn't be seen in this state. Unfortunately, my hopes were crushed a second time that night.

"Oh hey Lily, I needed to talk to you about... what happened to _you_?" Alec Jordan asked from behind me, his footsteps coming to an abrupt halt.

I sighed and turned around. "James Potter, that's what happened."

He raised his eyebrows; apparently that was the only explanation he needed. "Should I even ask?"

"I would tell you the whole bloody mess of a story, but I would really like to go clean up."

"Of course! Sorry I kept you. I guess this is just an excuse to talk... later." He said and gave me a genuine smile. Not a weird, cocky smile. Not a smile that just oozed confidence, that screamed "EGO". Just a nice, simple smile. It was enjoyable, not being hit on by the guy that stood in front of me.

"Thanks Alec. I think we _will_ talk later. Not that Heads' stuff wouldn't give us a chance to talk. See you." I turned away and walked to my dorm, gathering my things so I could go and take a shower. My rage at James began to nag at me again. While I though about it my hand that was holding my shampoo threatened to send the contents of the bottle spraying across the room. I took deep breaths and stalked to the bathroom, letting the door slam loudly behind me.

I tried to let his idiocy go as I stepped into the steaming shower, but I just felt my emotions build. _That lunatic! I thought he was dead, and then he just assumes that I have feelings for him. The reason that I kissed him back was because I honestly thought he was dead. Yeah, so maybe it was only for about a split second, but still! _I let my mind ramble on for a while.

_ Yeah, that's totally the reason that you kissed him. You really don't like him do you? That's why you're thinking about him right now_. There was this little voice that popped up in the back of my head. Okay, so I was now two steps from going all the way around the bend.

"Oh shut it you." I mumbled before I could stop myself. Okay, officially around the bend now.

* * *

**A/N**** That chapter was a really, really fun one to write. This one was pretty much fluff, but I'm taking the next chapter to a little bit of a deeper, darker level towards the end, but there will still be some fluff. The third chapter is not going to be fluff though, I can guarantee that. Thank you so much for reading and I hope that you'll shoot me a review on any improvements I can make. Love you guys!**

**~Lunatastic**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**** Happy reading folks! Love y'all!**

**~Lunatastic**

* * *

"I told you it was a terrible idea. Remus, did I, or did I not tell him that it was a terrible idea?" Sirius Black stood at the foot of my bed, rubbing his rightness into my face and then into the ground. He smiled wolfishly, which was usually left to Remus, but it was too close to the full moon for him to be having fun.

"You did." Remus said distractedly from his position at the window. I knew without looking that he was staring at the moon, looking like a lost puppy. Well, werewolf I guess.

"Sirius, shut your fucking trap before I come over there and hex it closed." I grumbled. Even I knew that it was really an empty threat. I started to become not-so-empty when Sirius' laughter filled the dorm, somehow putting me into an even darker mood. "Need I remind you that it was you who came up with the blasted idea in the first place?" That only shut him up long enough for him to explain.

"I said it as a goddamn joke mate! Not as a thing that would actually happen!" Then he returned to his laughing, deciding to collapse to the floor since I had just made his week. I knew it would be all over the castle by tomorrow, but I would just hex some sense into the people that decided to take it up with me.

"Maybe you should just apologize?" Peter sat hunched in a corner. I looked at him, bewildered.

"Apologize?"

"Hey, maybe wormy here has a good idea! Girls love that sort of thing. I think." Sirius started muttering to himself.

"How do I do that?" I scratched my head, having no freaking idea.

Remus sighed from the corner. "All you have to do is say I'm sorry." He was clearly PWSing. Like what chicks do, but it's because he was wacked out on moonshine.

"It's that simple?"

"Yes. Now, I know it'll be hard but just go talk to the damn girl."

"Are you sure you don't need some-" I spelled Sirius' mouth shut before he could say anything else.

Remus chuckled quietly. "He'll get you for that one."

I was out of the room just before Sirius got his wand out. I walked towards the Heads' dorms to "apologize". I hadn't really done this before, so I ran my hands through my hair nervously. I walked up to the portrait that stood between me and Lily and knocked on the door frame loudly, rousing the sleeping woman. "What is your problem young man?! Don't you know that you should be in your room?" She asked annoyingly.

"Yeah, whatever. I need to see Lily."

"Password?"

"Yeah, I don't really have that, so can you just let me in?"

"Fat chance boy. Now go back to bed before the Headmaster has your head."

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I pounded continuously on the frame, waking the rest of the portraits around me and earning a lot of shrieks from the woman in the portrait. I scrambled back as the portrait swung back, almost knocking me over. I looked up, expecting to see Lily.

"What in the bloody hell are_ you _doing here?" Alec stood in front of me, not looking very happy to see me.

"Alec? Who's there?" A groggy voice called out and I shoved past him. Lily stood on the steps to her room. I took in the sight of her while I walked towards her. I wouldn't have pegged her as a silk pajamas type, but I didn't mind. The slip showed her sexy tanned legs and her delicious curves. I'm surprised I didn't start drooling.

Her very, very angry voice stopped my eyes from continuing to roam over her body. "Unless someone is dying or you have a _mental-fucking-illness_ to explain your utter and complete _idiocy_, I want to know what in the universe would cause you to come here at one in the morning." Her voice was a razor against my skin, only just containing her rage. I could tell that she was about to blow her top.

"I came to say sorry. For earlier." I explained, and smiled, expecting that would take care of it. I had expected her to calm down, maybe come running into my arms. Remind me to never again take advice from my friends.

I didn't really see her move, she was just in front of me like that. Man, when she was mad she was a sight. Her eyes practically glowed and her chest moved quickly, only making her more attractive. If I wasn't so scared of her anyway. I had now been screamed at twice by Lily Evans in one day. "YOU'RE SORRY?! _YOU'RE SORRY_! WELL SOMEONE RECORD IT, JAMES POTTER IS APOLOGIZING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE, AND SURPRISE SURPRISE, IT'S TO GET A GIRL! YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING PRAT THAT I HAVE EVER HAD THE UNFORTUNATE CHANCE OF MEETING!" I knew that it was really bad when she went and grabbed her wand off of a table. I raised my hands and for once in what may soon be my very short life, I shut my trap. I could see the spell on her full lips right before Alec stepped in between us.

"Lily, think about what you're doing. You're Head Girl, you can't curse him." I wanted to hex him within an inch of his life when he placed one hand on her waist and another on her wand hand. I saw her collect herself before she spoke again.

"James, I want you to leave. If you don't, I promise that I _will_ curse you and that Alec won't be able to convince me not to."

"You know that this isn't done Lily." That's all I said before I stormed out of their common room, already thinking of ways to get away with killing the idiots that I called friends.

* * *

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alec asked from the couch while I paced around the room angrily. Did I want to talk about how James made my insides churn with rage, that he may be the biggest, most idiotic boy that had ever walked the earth? Yes, yes I did, but I'm pretty sure that Alec didn't want to sit there and hear it.

I stopped and sat down next to him. "I'm guessing that you're only saying that out of courtesy. I've found that guys don't really like it when girls talk about feelings and other guys."

He chuckled quietly, his deep brown eyes twinkling. "You know your stuff, don't you? No offense, but yeah, I don't really want to listen to you talk about James. I've seen the way my sister babbles when she's angry. Besides, that prick doesn't deserve to have you babble about him."

I snorted in agreement about the last part. "Babbling and ranting are two different things. Babbling is what you do when you need to fill a silence, even if no one else can hear it. Ranting is when you have so much to talk about that you can't stop it from coming out. Me, I rant."

I looked over to him. He just smiled. "That was deep." That just earned another snort from me, but it was one of amusement this time. "Are you still in the mood to hex something?" I considered that for a moment, then realized that most of my anger had dissipated. The only stuff that was left was in the pit of my stomach; I could put it aside for now, since it wasn't consuming me.

"No, not really. Why?"

"Just wondering if I had successfully cheered you up." The way he stared at me sent butterflies through my stomach. Something else nudged at my mind, but I pushed it away as he moved closer, coming only inches from my face. He hesitated for a few moments, making sure that I was okay with it, then set his lips to mine. It was... nice. No sparks or fireworks, but I wasn't expecting any. Not like the ones that you read about in books. I had never had that with anyone, not with my past three boyfriends, not with the guys that you made out with at a party, not the rebound guys that only lasted for a week or so. Alec was no different. I had come to accept that I wouldn't have that with someone, even though other girls supposedly had it.

Alice said that I just hadn't found the right guy. She said that she had it with Frank and that I'd find it with someone. I agreed, just so she'd shut up about it, but maybe it's just not for me. Some people are perfectly happy without the so-called "spark". Plus, if I didn't have anyone to give my heart to, it couldn't be crushed into a pile of pulp. I'd seen those girls, the ones who sob in the hallways, the ones who just fall apart even thinking about losing the one that they love.

For me, love is someone or something that can make you feel nice inside. They don't make you feel rage so vivid that your vision turns a deep scarlet, sorrow so potent that you feel like a stray breeze could make your insides crumble, jealousy so violent that it forces you to your knees. Someone you love shouldn't make you crazy.

That's why I accept what comes my way. I enjoy that guy that I have, because if I have something more, something that eventually destroys me inside? Well, I don't even have to ask that question, because I won't let it happen. I won't become the girl that relies on the guy, because then I'd be pathetic. I've learned that pathetic suits no one.

So I accepted the kiss. It didn't cause any forest fires, no erupting volcanoes, but it made me feel nice. Niceness is enough for me. Alec broke the kiss, smiling so radiantly that I couldn't feel anything but happy. He brushed a few stray hairs off of my face and caressed my cheek. I smiled back at him and something nudged at my brain again. I strangled it in my mental fists until I felt the small life of it die. I couldn't let that in. I couldn't let anything in, not again.

"We should probably go to bed." Alec whispered. I nodded tiredly and padded up the stairs to bed.

"Goodnight." He smiled crookedly from the bottom of my staircase.

I sighed peacefully, if not happily. "Goodnight." I shut the door behind me, falling into bed. I slipped under my covers and fell asleep almost instantly.

**July 15th, 1974:**

_I stepped into the kitchen and dropped my bags on the floor, ecstatic to be rid of my burden. "I'm so glad I'm home."_

_"Sometimes I still can't believe that you go to a wizarding school. How was your third year baby?" My dad came up behind me and mussed my hair under his hand, something that he knew I hated._

_"Daddy!" I cried, elongating the syllables._

_"Oh, fine. I'll stop doing that." We both knew that he wouldn't. I giggled and started to take my stuff up to my room, but halted when a loud banging started on the door. I glanced out of the window and through the gauzy curtains to see only the face of a bedraggled woman pounding her fist against the door. "Lily go upstairs. Take all of your stuff. Petunia, help her." His voice was urgent and I saw his body tense, his fists clenching._

_My sister emerged from the shadows of the corner of the kitchen, looking anything but happy so see me. Her nose scrunched in distaste as she picked up my bag, like touching it could make her sick. I'd learned long ago that my sister despised my existence. That didn't make it any easier to hate her though; in fact, I still felt nothing but love for her. It was a one way street, I guess._

_"Who is that?" I asked curiously, Petunia taking only a moment to glare at the door pompously before heading upstairs. I squinted as I took in her features which rang a faint bell in my head._

_"Now, Lily!" My father rarely yelled, so I immediately started heaving my bags towards my room. I flinched every time the fist hit the door, and jumped when I finally heard the door crack open. I kept my door open so I could listen. I could only catch tiny snippets of the conversation._

_"...can't be here!"_

_ "...have to...let me see my..." "My" what? I thought. We didn't really have anything of value, so I didn't understand what that woman would want from us. We have a dog. Maybe it used to be hers. I figured that's what it was and decided to let my father handle it, but then the conversation became louder, more heated. I headed downstairs, wand at the ready. This insane person won't hurt my family over a dog! If only it had been so simple. _

_ "...have no rights here." I had never heard so much anger, so much contempt and loathing in my fathers' voice. I hurried down the stairs, now able to hear everything. "Leave! Now!"_

_ "What do you mean I have no rights?! I don't care what the court says, they don't understand family! You just want to-"_

_ When I was in view, the woman stopped shouting and looked like someone had just hit her on the head with a hammer. "Lily." She breathed and recognition shot through my body._

_ "Mummy?" I couldn't move. Emotions tumbled through my body. I had been told that my mum died years ago. In was a car crash. I was six. I sobbed myself to sleep night after night, not able to accept that she was gone. I had been just old enough to memorize her features. There had been a framed picture, but it had dissapeared when I was nine. "No." I sobbed out. This had to be a trick, an illusion. Someone had cursed me and I was hallucinating. "You're dead. You're not real, you're not real." I muttered over and over while tears streamed down my cheeks. I distantly heard my wand clatter to the floor._

_ "So that's what you told them?! That I was dead?!" She shrieked, then shoved passed my father with all of her might. Once she came up close, I saw the harsh wrinkle lines that now marred the features I had memorized with such care. Her sleeves were long, but as one slipped down I saw needle scars running along the blue lines of her veins. Her body was exhausted, I felt its weakness through the way she pulled me into a hug, the sound of her uneven and shaky breathing. She even smelled off, not like the blurred memories of my short past with her._

_ "For all I cared, that's what you were." My father said before pulling her off of me and shoving her out of the house. The look of utter desperation of her aged face would haunt my dreams for months._

* * *

**A/N**** Ooooh, dramatic dramatic ending there. So folks, if you liked it, loved it, didn't like it, or think I'm crazy for writing it, please please leave a review. I really don't want to be pathetic and beg, but I will if I have to. Or I can withhold the next chapter of the story... cuz I'm evil like that. I hope you guys check back for the next chapter because I'm super duper excited to write it. It will reveal a little more of Lily's mom and why Lily is the way she is. Thanks for reading and, for those of you who do, reviewing!**

**~Lunatastic**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Hello again my lovelies. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Or procure many feels from it. Sounds good to me, either way.**

**Read on!**

**~Lunatastic**

* * *

_Sweat dripped from her pores and tears leaked from her eyes. Her hair was greasy, stringy and hung raggedly over the majority of her sunken face. Her body was haggard and thin, I could count her ribs through the light cotton t-shirt that she wore, which was stained with copious amounts of vomit, dirt, and urine. I could tell all of this even as my own tears thoroughly blurred her image. I had never seen her reach this bad of a state. I swiped at them, not wanting to show the vulnerability that she invoked within me. "Please Lils, I need this. You have to help me. I'm your mum." She moaned, in obvious pain, the austere desperation in her voice making my heart beat even faster. Her breaths were shakier than usual. I could tell that withdrawal wracked her body, her addiction to heroin making her weak. Somehow, I was even more terrified than usual; my pulse could be felt throughout my whole body. I felt like I was half asleep, stumbling through the situation._

_"Mum, you know that I can't do this. Not again." I begged, but I knew that it probably wouldn't work. Her expression morphed into anger and she gripped my wrists in her skeleton hands. Her strength surprised me, but she was a junkie; I'd learned that when it came to her fix, she would do almost anything to get it. _

_"LILY, YOU HAVE TO!" She began her temper tantrum and I was not surprised. This happened every time I didn't give it up right away, because she knew that I had to give in. I still tried to convince her to not do it anyway._

_"Dad will see that the money is gone again." I whispered, but slumped my shoulders in defeat when her tears just began to start faster. I handed her the wad of cash, berating myself for being so weak and so, so helpless when it came to her. I couldn't help it. No matter how many times she lied, no matter how many times she hurt me, I still loved her with a vehement passion. _

_"Thank you Lily. You know that I love you?" I just nodded, but my heart wrenched in my chest when I heard the crack in her voice, signaling her lie. She would never love me, only the drugs that I helped supply her with._

_"Of course." I murmured, not wanting to talk louder out of fear that my voice would crack from sadness. My voice turned to a scream just as she collapsed onto the pavement of the dark alleyway where we had met, her blood pouring from her nostrils and half open mouth painting the grey concrete a deep crimson._

* * *

I awoke swimming in sweat, everything on me or my bed soaked through. My breathing was heavy and ragged and I wretched as I tasted blood in my mouth. I had bit my tongue during my nightmare. Well, it was actually a memory. A horrible memory that I had never managed to forget. I moaned deeply while tears streamed down my face. I couldn't deal with this, not now. Not ever really. I hadn't cried for months and months about this; I had almost made it to a year without remembering this. I tried to staunch the flow when I heard footsteps pounding up the stairs. It only made me cry harder when I realized I couldn't just turn my emotions off. I usually could, but these times were always different. My thick, impenetrable walls were either up or there were none.

The door swung open, revealing an Alice that was glowing with happiness. I knew that I would ruin the joy that she was feeling right now. "Guess what Frank said las-" She froze in her tracks for a few moments, taking in the sight of me, utterly broken. "You almost made it a year." She whispered, then crawled into the bed beside me, letting me curl towards her. She was the only one that I let witness my breakdowns. She was the only one that knew about my mum, how deeply she had hurt me. When the tears slowed to a trickle, I started to speak.

"This is why I can't love anyone. Especially him." My voice was hoarse as I spoke. I knew that she knew the _him_ I was talking about. The one with the deep brown eyes, the crooked and loving smile, the thick square glasses that seemed to always glint mischievously. I guess that I could always love James, but I would never let him love me back. I couldn't do that to him.

"I know." Alice squeezed me tighter.

"This is why I can't let anyone in, not again."

"I know." That was what she always said, but did she? Really?

I waited a long time before asking another question, one that scared me the most because I didn't know the answer, and I didn't know if I wanted it. "Am I always going to be like this?"

She sighed, smoothing my hair like my mum would've done when I was little. "I hope not, Lily."

"What if I am?" The answer to that question scared me more than the last, because this answer could be definite.

She didn't say anything for a few moments. "...We'll get through this, okay?"

"Okay." All of these things scared the absolute shit out of me, but I couldn't do anything about it. All you could do was keep on living and hope that time would heal your wounds. "Alec kissed me last night. It bought everything back. It made me think about why I couldn't let him get close, because he would see how much of a freak I am."

"You are not a freak, Lily Evans." Alice said harshly. The tremble in her voice betrayed her, though, and I knew what she thought of me. I knew that, even though she did think I was damaged goods, she was the only one who would ever not care about how flawed I was, because she was a freak in her own right. At least, she used to be. She healed. Her dad was abusive and she was taken away by the police when she was eleven. She could understand some of what I was going through. Only some though.

I sniffled a few more times, then sat up. I plastered a smile on my face before getting up. I was head girl, I had to set an example: always cheery, always punctual, always getting good grades, always the voice of reason. It was my responsibility. "I'm going to take a shower," I said, acting like the whole thing hadn't just happened. "then you can tell me all about you and Frank." Alice knew to back off at this point, to let me grieve on the inside." I gathered all of my things and walked stiffly to the bathroom, thanking Merlin that I didn't encounter Alec at that time. I knew that he was sleeping in because it was Saturday. I collected myself as hot water streamed languidly over my body. I had to look like the Head Girl that everyone knew before I went down to breakfast.

* * *

"Lily, you have to eat something." I shot an inconspicuous glare at Alice as she whispered to me, not wanting to alert my other friends around me that anything was possibly wrong. I knew that she was right, so I stuffed a couple of bites of sausage into my mouth. I had to admit that the food did taste good and my appetite returned. It was gone as quickly as it had come when James slid into the seat next to me. Sirius, Remus, and Peter sat into the near him, Sirius shaking his head with a disbelieving smile painted on his face.

"Listen, I'm still sorry about last night. And the stupid stunt that I pulled at the quidditch pitch." He murmured in my ear.

"James, this is so not a good time right now." I glanced surprisingly as Alice craned around my chair to peer icily at him. Alice was never like this. James looked a little taken off guard by that, then turned back to study my face. I felt my cheeks turn red as he scrutinized me. I swung my hair down, trying to create a curtain between us.

"What's wrong?" He asked, completely serious. I almost wanted to laugh.

I decided lashing out would probably be the best way to get him to stay away from me. "What's wrong is that you won't leave me the hell alone. What's wrong is that you made me think you were dead, then thought that a simple apology would get me to forgive you. What's wrong is that you won't _back-the-fuck-off_!" I realized that my voice had risen while I was talking; I had earned a few curious looks from my friends that were sitting near us. I thought that my rant would make me feel better, but my stomach dipped when I saw the hurt look that flitted across his face. I only saw it for a moment before he stood abruptly and left, storming out of the Great Hall.

"Lily, I think that you should give him another chance." Remus said before he and the other guys got up to leave. I hung my head, regretting every word that had come out of my mouth moments earlier. I knew it was best though. Better to hurt James now before his feelings grew deeper for me. It was always better that way. I knew what to do next, something that would eventually get around to him. I pushed back from my chair and started to walk towards the Ravenclaw table.

I pasted a wide smile on my face and sauntered up next to the chair that Alec was sitting in. "Hey Alec." I said brightly. He looked up in surprise.

"Hey Lils. You left before I could say hello this morning." I almost flinched at the nickname, remembering it from my memory riddled nightmare that I'd woken up from about an hour ago.

"Sorry, Alice was eager to get down here and see Frank." That was a lie, she was perfectly fine with staying holed up in my room all day and be emotional, but the sight of Alice and Frank, both with large smiles lighting up their faces, sitting and talking at the Gryffindor table confirmed what I said. They really did make an adorable couple.

"It's cool. I just wanted to ask you about the ball that we are planning for the break before Christmas. Do we have everything planned out?" The ball was only two weeks away, then most of the student populous would head home for break.

"Actually, we do. I was just coming to ask if you wanted to come to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow." I felt like doing anything but going to the cheery little wizarding town, but if it got James to realize that I wasn't, no _shouldn't,_ be available to him, then I would stomach all the over peppy zealousness of the trip. I would put on the air of over peppy zealousness too, if that's what it took. I had to find a gown for the ball anyway. I sighed mentally, almost regretting the decision of asking him.

"Of course." He stood up and kissed me, and I could feel his smile against my lips. At least I was making someone happy. In front of everyone. I knew this was the best thing to do to get rid of James as I heard the whispers and cat-calls begin, but I couldn't help but regret my lips on his when I thought of the hurt look that flashed across James' face earlier. I suddenly didn't really regret it as much as before when I saw James pick Alec up by his robes and then sock him across the face.

* * *

"Are you the biggest idiot that has ever lived?! What in the bloody hell is wrong with you?!" I shouted at James while he sat in a chair in front of the headmaster. Yes, I was losing my marbles with James in front of the Headmaster. He had actually managed to push me that close to the edge of the cliff. We had both been called into his office, even though James was the one who would be getting detention for the rest of his time at Hogwarts.

At least, if I had my way.

"I'm sure that there must've been someone more idiotic than me." He said jokingly and I felt my anger flare. My hand twitched towards my wand, a hex on the tip of my tongue.

"Ms. Evans, please contain yourself." Headmaster Dumbledore said. I flung myself into the chair furthest away from James, trying to "contain myself". I failed. Miserably. I fidgeted as Dumbledore spoke, blocking him out entirely. Alec would probably never want to come near my again, what with James' antics. I was trying to come up with another plot to steer James away from me when the Headmaster cleared his throat.

"Ms. Evans, did you hear what I said?"

I looked up. "Erm... no, I'm sorry." I shot a suspicious glance at James when he started to chuckle gleefully. What Dumbledore said next made me understand why.

"I said that you and Mr. Potter will be serving two weeks of detention together, cleaning out the owlrey."

"_What_?!" I asked, disbelief tinging my tone. "But he," I stabbed my finger towards the still chuckling boy in the chair farthest from mine. "was the one who punched Alec. What did I do?!" I knew I was supposed to be all mature and all, being Head Girl, but the prospect of spending that much time with James, mucking up after owls no less, had me teetering even closer to the edge than I thought possible.

"Yes, punching here is a punishable offence, but so is showing public displays of affection." I couldn't remember once at Hogwarts where PDA had been punished with two damn weeks of detention. Maybe, just maybe, you would get a night or two, and that was for getting caught having a full out snogging session. No, I did not speak from experience. I had just given Alec one kiss! It was such a load of rubbish!

"If you have any objections, I could always make it three weeks." I saw the twinkle behind his eyes as he glanced between us. I knew that man has some sort of convoluted plan forming in his wizened old mind. He might as well have been called Headmatchmaker for all the couples he had churned out from lumping them together in detention. I knew what he was doing.

"No headmaster, no objections." I said tightly and stormed out of his office. I almost thought that I heard conspiratory chuckles before I got down the spiral staircase.

* * *

**A/N So the chapter was really heavy in the beginning then drifted to a bit of a lighter mood in the end. Maybe I'll make my next couple chapters a bit fluffy. I've been writing too much darkness in my other story, I'm starting to get depressed. Oh, I almost forgot, review pretty pretty please! I don't have any reviews yet on this story and we need a little lovin'. Thanks guys, love you lots, and until next time!**

**~Lunatastic**

**P.S I'm on the lookout for a beta, if anyone would be interested. I would send you as many virtual cookies as you wanted. PM me if you're interested.**


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